Wednesday, November 23, 2005

President Guarantees Protection Against Moderate Terrorism

President George W. Bush and Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that the nation will be guaranteed Category Three terrorism protection by next summer. At a press conference held at Ground Zero in New York City, the President said, “I am proud to announce that the federal government will be able to provide ‘Yellow’ or ‘Elevated’ protection against terrorism in our country. Americans can sleep soundly at night knowing that Homeland Security is hard at work and will make this happen.”

Cherthoff echoed Bush’s remarks: “We are working pretty hard to protect many Americans from a good number of terrorist attacks, especially the moderately threatening ones. Our citizens will be pretty well protected from anything short of an attack from really crafty and mean terrorists.”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld cited the need for Americans to realize the dangers of living where they’ve chosen to live: “Americans need to take responsibility for the fact that they have chosen to reside in an open society. If you choose to live in a big, open, free country, then you’re asking for trouble. The federal government can only do so much. Do you realize how much money we’ve spent on national defense over the past 50 years?”

Acting FEMA Director R. David Paulison expressed concern that past federal spending on terrorism protection has been misspent by corrupt local politicians: “We have concerns about where federal dollars have gone in the past, given the corruption of local police departments and politicians. Before we spend a lot more on local terrorism protection, we want to study this problem.”

Chertoff agreed with need for further analysis, saying that full protection against Category Five “Severe” terrorism would be studied. “We don’t know if the science and engineering are there yet. Congress has recently appropriated some money for us to study whether we can do it.”

Surprising the assembled reporters and local dignitaries, Bush, Cherthoff, and Rumsfeld left the press conference early in order to attend a meeting in Washington regarding progress on America’s manned mission to Mars.


dillyberto said...

This is ugly. We got the sour sniff of this dirty Federal refrigerator last night from PBS. The reality you point out here drives me to sail on the Cutty Sark.

oyster said...

First off: Bless this post. Bless it.

Second: Same ole Dilly. Always "looking for the gold" (on the rocks).

Schroeder said...

I guess that means I should hold on to that duct tape.

Brilliant post!